The lovely town of Faringdon is as we type having its very own Tesco’s built. As you might expect we won’t be seen wandering down its aisles so we’ve decided to write to it and set out our stall to avoid any future confusion. We probably won’t send the letter (can you even send a letter to an unfinished building?) but here are our thoughts:
Dear Mr. New Faringdon Tesco
We notice building work seems to be progressing well and may we say very quickly. As you may or may not know we have been doing a bit of a family challenge and on the 5th of November 2012 gave up shopping in supermarkets for a whole year. We are over half way through and it is going swimmingly. We are pleased to report that it is going so well in fact and has changed our lives so much for the better that we see no need to return to supermarket shopping after our year is up. As you will be our newest, shiniest and nearest supermarket we thought whilst you were still in the building phase we would drop you a quick line to set out our stall (apologies we couldn’t resist this market pun) so there is no confusion further down the line.
We want you to know that this letter comes with no hard feelings and is most certainly not a hate campaign against you just an expression of why your services will always be unnecessary to our little family. We accept that for many of our fellow residents you will be convenient and will also provide some employment opportunities but you see we simply don’t need you.
This may shock you as your store will probably stock most of the things that we could ever need but you see here in Faringdon we already have a fabulous bakery, a fantastic butcher, a delightful cheese shop, a small but perfectly formed weekly market, an incredible deli, a pet shop, coffee shops, a couple of delightful little gift shops, a shop with haberdashery items for sales, a newsagent and the really useful shop that stocks well….. really useful things. These shops are all really great and need our custom in order for the business owners to continue to make a living. You guys on the other hand are doing pretty well and are able to survive. So……… we guess what we’re saying is if we don’t use you you’ll be ok but if we don’t use the other shops we mentioned they might not be so ok.
We know that technically from the 5th November 2013 we would be allowed to pop in to see you but just to be clear we won’t be doing so as we are choosing to put our money into the lovely existing shops about this small but great town.
All the best for the future and like we said no hard feelings just a request that as the new guy in town you tread carefully and sensitively as you go about your business.